Roses Are Red, Violets Eat Dick
by Tono Radish
Summary: Behold A CRACK FIC! Erwin and Levi frequent a campus club where people anonymously do slam poetry. It is there they meet 2 drag queens who change their gay lives forever.
1. Slam Poetry

**I guess I'm taking a poetry class and it's full of classic ass hat characters like the Douchey Prince and Sharpe Evans as well as the "That's Just How My Brain Works" girl… Here are Levi and Erwin.**

Two majors, both alike in dickery- this is the story of Erwin Smith (Law) and Levi Ackermoaning all night long (Aerospace Engineering); two ambiguously gay students in the same English Writing class and their secret side only seen in moonlight.

"Attack, take a shot, attack

Look at those big ass trees

Whistle for a horsey

Call her an angel

Call her a goddess

Call her your future wife

Look at this sweet ass

Smell this sweet ass

This sweet ass is a rose by another name

Jeager bomb!

You missed your shot

So keep your big ass tree to yourself

This titan will howl like hell elsewhere"

The short man dropped the mic and got off the stage. The masked crowds snapped and whistled, bongos were hit. The man had a military cut and a military walk. No mask could hide his sharp gray eyes. He met his masked companion by the bar. His companion was tall, with a handsome mouth, his mouth being all one could see due to the sort of mask he wore. He wore a black collared shirt and a bolo tie with a blue stone set.

"That was pretty good Mr. Regret," the tall man complimented the shorter.

"I'll have a rum and cola," _Mr. Regret_ told the bar tender before looking to his tall _friend_ , "I do what I can, _Brontë_."

Let me, the narrator (third seat from the back imagining our leads naked), explain the setting. Jeager University was famous for its Science and Law schools, sure, but also for it's hidden Art culture: Specifically The Slam Poetry Den called "The Underground." A playground for kids who liked to drink, smoke, and wear black to express how humanity left them behind even though most of these kids are middle class and grew up in the suburbs with a packed lunch from mommy. Thanks Mommy, all you ever did was love me and now my art must suffer.

Tonight the two were hitting a club, "The Slutty Carla," popular for it's anonymous poetry open mic on Tuesday. It's made anonymous because everyone shows up in all black, as required, and a mask. It also required that you never use your real name, but an alias- a nom de plume.

"As good as that was, get ready to behold a sight you've never seen before," smirked Brontë.

"If it's another swollen peanut pic, no thanks."

"I told you my dic pics weren't meant for you, they were for my girlfriend- and my manhood is sizable!"

"Shut it Erwin, everyone knows you're a queen."

Erwin slammed his hand over Levi's mouth, "Shhh, no one can know who we really are. Remember?"

"Right, right. Sorry, my lips loosen with drinks."

"That's not all," Erwin said in his sultry man voice before walking to the stage.

However he was cut off, some _other_ blonde bizatch stole the mic. She was puny, like a fist year, with long Hannah Montana hair. Erwin, as a homo, could tell right away that is was a cheap ass, bitch ass weave but he would never say anything because he is a skeleton in the closet. She cleared her throat of dick and began to speak with her silver tongue.

"'Thrust into me,' he cried

And he #obeyed, smashing into him like a fucking 14 wheeler

'Fuck yeah baby, right there.'

Thanks for listening."

Erwin was star struck. In that instant there was hope that he could be that all American straight man his dad would beat him with a belt for not being. His heart was pounding in his chest; his dick was throbbing in his trousers that were all of a sudden two sizes too small. That wasn't poetry just now, that was fucking genius. He looked to the masked Levi who nodded, yeah, she was a girl but dayum, I'd gladly pay child support if it meant 15 minutes in a poetry club bathroom with her. The genius without a penis left the stage to meet her friend, another masked girl but she had brown hair. Her weave was better, must be a blend… Indian hair maybe? Erwin looked back to Levi with a come hither stair. Levi appeared by Erwin's side and slide down into a full middle split. The crowd snapped again, but the bar tender only yelled that it wasn't that kind of club and he'd have to wait for "Freaky Fridays."

"I take the blonde, you take the brunette."

"Brontë you know I'm strictly a snake eater."

"Just this once, I may never be attracted to another woman again. Come on, for me?"

"I'll need to be drunk…" Levi sighed.

And so Erwin ordered a round of shots for the four before walking over to meet the lovely ladies. His walk was a strut and the blonde girl blushed through her feather mask, she knew where this was going. Her friend, however, stood fast, eyeing Levi as if knowing who that short ass might be irl…

"That was a beautiful poem just now, I'm called Brontë. And you?" Erwin asked, kissing her hand.

The girl giggled and smiled, "For tonight I am Oceana and this is my friend… What name did you pick again?"

The brown haired girl had a gruff, pubescent male voice, "Oh yeah, I'm Mikasa."

Oceana crushed _Mikasa's_ foot with her heel before _Mikasa_ spoke again, "I- I mean Titania."

Everyone stared at _Titania_ wondering WTF? She simply "giggled" in her man voice. It was mildly disturbing. Erwin simply turned his attention to Levi, pleading him with his eyes; mentally telling him their drinks would show up soon. Levi simply glared before looking at _Titania._

"So, _Titania_ , do you slay?" He asked, sounding like he wanted to unscrew her head and shit down her throat.

She nodded, "My colossus is fire."

"Prove it," Levi said, stepping in closer.

She looked down on him, being a whole head taller. She nodded, sizing him up. The shots arrived and she took one back like a fucking champ. Levi was almost impressed with the female brat. Erwin and Oceana simply stared at the two like the hell went down? Levi took back his shot while Erwin and Oceana held theirs meekly in their hands. Is it safe to drink in a warzone? Titania set her glass on Levi's head and made her way on stage as if she had the biggest dick in the room.

"I'm Titania and this one goes out to Shrimp Dick McBall Grasp."

The crowd "oohed." It was almost getting too real. Erwin half regretted his decision, but he was also getting a little turned on by the brown haired weave wonder. He was becoming straighter and straighter and he wouldn't jeopardize this for the world.

"I like my steak black

When I grill, it's well done

I take a big bite

And I swallow for fun

My momma said no

But my daddy says sure

Secrets locked up in the basement

Boy I've got your cure

So I fuck 'em on the walls

Make a great big hole

He thinks he got respect

But I piss on that ho

My watch is gold plated

My Versace on fleek

See all you bitches later

On your knees in a week

SWERVE!"

Erwin turned to Oceana while the cheers and panties were thrown at Titania, "How do you feel about a 3 way?"

Titania made her way off the stage and respectfully handed the mic to some jackass who worked the sound stage. The man cried, he was in the same room as a fucking legend. She flipped her hair and used her arm to pin Levi to the wall.

"Well shawty?"

He nodded very calmly, "My car's parked out front."

"See you in ten, I'm gonna go powder my nose. Oceana, you coming?"

"We taking speed? Hell yeah, be right back Brontë."

The two girls left and Erwin nudged Levi, "joining the light side?"

"Nah, she's definitely a guy in drag," Levi said back, not looking away from the girl's direction.

"What? How?"

"She had a boner when she pinned me to the wall, and I can tell a fake rack like a fake Chanel."

Erwin was impressed, "Well Oceana is definetly a good girl, an angel. We're meant to be, I know it. My brain was sweating when I was talking to her. I'll be able to bring her home for Christmas and Dad will finally accept me as a member of the family again. Oh I'll take her on a movie date, learn her real name, carry her books to class~"

"She's a guy too."

"WHAT!? HOW DO YOU KNOW!?"

"Intuition," Levi said, eyes sparkling as the turn girls returned high as hell.

The group walked into the cool autumn night. The only light source were the street lamps along the parking lot complimented by the used glow-in-the-dark condoms strewn about the premise.

"Well that will be good night," Oceana said.

"What about smut?" Erwin weeped like a small dog in a box in the rain.

The blonde winked, "I'm a virgin until marriage."

"Yeah and I'm a cock tease," Titania chimed in.

"But," Levi was cut off by Titania.

"Don't grovel Levi, it's unbecoming," she winked.

"And don't look so sad Erwin, I thought a guy like you would like a challenge?" Oceana smiled.

"WAIT HOW DO YOU KNOW OUR NAMES," they asked.

The two girls smiled and held onto each other in a very lesbian way even though they're both guys in dresses, "Levi's the shortest guy in school and Erwin's the tallest. Even masks can't hide that or the signature bolo tie and bottle of bleach."

"I told you it was a giveaway," Levi said, taking his mask off to clean with said bleach.

"And the bleach wasn't?" Erwin glared taking his mask off, "clean mine too."

"Well farewell and good night gentlemen," Oceana sang.

"No way, you know who we are but we don't know you. You can't leave yet," Erwin huffed.

"We can and we will," Titania sang.

Before the two men could question that a ninja came flying down and knocked them both out by doing that ninja neck hit thing. Oceana and Titania took off their masks and wigs.

"Good work Mikasa," the blonde boy smiled.

"Of course Armin, Eren, are you alright?" Mikasa asked, taking off her ninja mask.

"Yeah, I'm just gonna draw dicks on their faces," Eren laughed, pulling out a sharpie.

"Leave it to an art major," Armin laughed, "make sure you also leave our frat name in the jizz rocket so they have an idea of where to look."

Eren nodded and went to work on their sleeping faces while Armin took off his heels and stretched his shoulders. Mikasa took a look at the two sleeping idiots, one of them had their cheek pressed to a flavored used condom, I won't say which.

"Hey Armin, why did you pick them?" Mikasa asked.

Armin smiled as Eren finished his handy work, "It could have only been them."

 **To be continued… If you want… it's crack…**


	2. HoodRat Haiku

**Shhh… I don't care if no one reads this fic. I'm so stressed out. I was re-reading my Hetalia fic "Wrecking Ball." It was so funny and stupid and I remember how nice it was to write it so I'm trying for that feeling again here and you know what I've really recaptured how soothing it is to write a good crack fic. I highly recommend you all give it a try, maybe just a simple one shot.**

Erwin awoke the next morning with a dull throbbing in his head. He didn't drink that much so why? He had the strangest dream, he and Levi met some pretty girls and one of them had man bits with jiggling junk. Then he was knocked over and blacked out for a second. _Then_ he was dragged off through the night and dropped in a puddle? He was naked in his bed, nothing unusual, mostly because the school doesn't have ventilation so the rooms get stuffy. When deep winter comes he'll wear his parka to sleep.

"I was about to wake you, German starts in fifty minutes," said his roommate, trimming his chin hairs.

"Oh thanks Nile, I must have had too much to drink last night. I can't remember anything and I had the strangest dream?"

Nile put his clippers down and stared at Erwin, "you smell like catfish, did you go on another online date with a crazy?"

"No, just," Erwin realized he couldn't tell Nile his love of poetry… that would make him look gay, "Levi wanted me to go out with him to find girls. If that wasn't a dream then I met a breath taking blonde I've decided will be my future wife but she ended up leaving, I don't even know her name…"

"I found you out cold with Levi in a parking lot with a dick drawn on your face."

"AGAIN!?"

"It's smudged but you can still make out the letters in the jizz rocket."

"Letters?"

Nile grinned, returning to his trimming, "Looks like she left you a clue Romeo."

Erwin tried to fly out of bed but his foot got caught in the sheets and he ended up flying onto the floor. Still buck ass naked as fuck he stumbled into the bathroom and looked into the clean mirror. Levi comes in once a week to clean their room. Erwin is very anal about his looks and takes fifteen minutes every day to groom his brows, another three minutes to brush his teeth, ten minutes to fix his hair, then he goes into his body wash and face wash routine… it's a miracle he even get's to class. Did I mention he contours with makeup?

He stared into his messy reflection; for once he didn't care about his serial killer good looks. He touched his forehead dick. It was in sharpie, which meant if he couldn't scrub it off everyone in his court justice class (I actually know nothing about Law majors) would call him "fuck face" again. He didn't care about that at all. He was swimming in a pool of happiness. She had left him a clue. The letters, written in drawn man-fluids, spelled out "SCL." It would take a complete and total ass hat mcgive up your life to not know what that meant.

SCL. Survey Con Legiment. It was the biggest frat in all of fratdom. If you took the movie Neighbors and had is sleep with every bro road trip movie and give it the genetics of James Bond AND Super Mario carrying a pineapple you would get the front door of the frat. You wanna know how slick the inside is? You better have a pretty face and sweet ass cuz no boys allowed unless these boys survived Survey Con Legiment INITIANTION! And you thought becoming Miss America was hard.

Erwin looked into the letters on his face and began to wash them off. When he came to Jeager University he didn't want anyone to look at him. He just wanted to be gay under the skin and ignore all romantic feelings all together. It's a shame his room mate, Nile, was such a hottie potattie or "Hot Potato." When Erwin first met him he would watch him sleep at night. Nile had a vice for Cheetos and would fall asleep at his desk doing homework with the cheese dust still on his fingers. Erwin wasn't particularly interested in junk food but he liked to lick a little of the cheese dust off. Shhhh… It's not creepy… He got the idea from Toy Story 2, blame Pixar.

Anyway, Erwin didn't plan to join any frats. Good-looking guys, parties every night, it was a recipe for a big sloppy gay slip up. He just kept his head low and his school bag in front of his crotch. Then he met Levi, who didn't want to join frats for a different reason. Levi, had a secret. He loved slam poetry, but he was also a tough guy and in a gang. He didn't have time for the flippant delights of boyhood one might call a frat. He would pass initiation to SCL with flying colors, but yeah… jail time gets in the way of that. Levi tried to kill Erwin thinking he was a snitch and in their battle Erwin felt alive and hot blooded. Damn, Levi's hands grabbing him in all the right places, the danger of the night, he got all sweaty thinking about it. Anyway they grabbed a drink and crashed a stolen car and became pretty good friends. They even went to see The Notebook together. Good times. Levi left his gang, Erwin started doing poetry nights, and the rest is history.

Now the two had a new adventure to take. They would have to go to the biggest baddest most bitchin frat in all of the fandom. He finished washing his face and lazily put some clothes on. For the first time since he came to Jeager University, he didn't care how he looked. He put some clothes on and texted Levi. Levi wrote back instantly. So it was decided. Tonight they would hit the big and convenient Survey Con Legiment party and find the pretty girl who called herself "Oceana," find out her real name, date her so hard, carry her books to class, then take her swimming with dolphins and propose they marry, AND THEN his dad would love him.

"But first, German," said Nile, patting Erwin's shoulder.

"CAN YOU READ MINDS!?"

"No, you literally texted all that to Levi."

"So you can read phones…"

"Idiot, can't you? Come on, let's go."

Erwin nodded and grabbed his things. He would continue his little mind movie of Oceana later.

 ** _Meanwhile…_**

Armin looked at his reflection in his bedroom mirror. Eren was scribbling away many, MANY more dicks into his sketchbook.

"Do you think Erwin will recognize me? I mean, I'm really pretty as a girl but as a guy… I just don't know." 

"Don't worry Armin, Levi will recognize me."

"Eren that has nothing to do with what I just said… and how do you know that?"

"I drew my face on his ass. Every time he sits down I'll be there."

"Eren sometimes I worry about you, Mikasa worries too," Armin said, giving up on his looks.

Eren put down his drawing book and climbed off his top bunk and wrapped his arms around Armin comfortingly, "I'm gonna use your bunk to fuck at the party okay?"

Armin smacked Eren off of him, "COME ON EREN!? AGAIN!?"

"Daddy has needs, besides I'm sure me and Levi will spend more time on LITERALLY everything else in the room. Oh my god what if we fly out a window!?"

In the doorway stood the multicolored haired Frat King slash President, Jean Kirstein, "Eren, I heard everything and I came to have a talk with you."

Eren huffed and flopped back on his bed, "If it's about using condoms, I told you, I like my men to go in dry."

Jean grit his teeth, "JUST BECAUSE YOUR DAD IS THE DEAN OF THE SCHOOL DOESN'T MEAN YOU GET TO SAY AND DO WHOEVER YOU WANT! OUR BROHOOD IS CRAZY BUT YOU TAKE IT TOO FAR! THE POLICE ACTUALLY SHOWED UP LAST TIME!"

"I _told_ you," Eren said sitting up grumpily, "They were strippers _dressed_ as police."

"THEY WERE SELLING EXSTACY!"

"What's a party without narcotics," Armin shrugged.

"NOT YOU TOO!"

Eren grinned, "Dude I was pulling Pikmin!"

"YOU PULLED OUR COUCH AND THREW IT OUT THE WINDOW!? YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE A TITAN!?"

Eren smiled, eyes wide, "I was a Titan."

Jean put his foot down and slapped his forehead, "Eren, and I guess Armin too, not everyone is as down to party as you. Not everyone is cool with the radical drugs you bring in and… ok… I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU SHACKING UP WITH RANDOM GUYS! NOT EVEN IN A PROTECTIVE PARENT WAY! I LITERALLY WALK INTO THE KITCHEN AND THERE YOU ARE GETTING SUM IN THE FRIDGE!? I JUST BOUGHT MANGOS THAT MORNING AND THEY WERE ALL OVER THE FLOOR! MANGOS AREN'T CHEAP, EREN! COME ON! DO ME A SOLID!"

Eren got up off the bed and very suavely walked to Jean, who shook in terror in the doorway, "You want me to do you a solid?"

"Huh?" Jean twitched.

"You let me have fun tonight, with one special honey I've had my eye on _four_ years and I'll stop my promiscuous ways."

"I- I- What?" Jean was dying, too much gay sauce.

"And we'll get Mikasa to come," Armin said a little bored, playing with his hair in the mirror.

Jean beamed with girlish delight, "DUDE THE MAGOS ARE YOURS! Oh, but stay out of my room. I HAVE TO GET READY! MARCO!"

Marco popped his head from out his room, "YES BOSS?"

"HELP ME PICK AN OUTFIT! NO! HELP ME PICK THREE! MIKASA IS COMING TONIGHT! OH, LET'S GET THE GOOD BOOZ! EVERYONE!"

The whole rest of the frat popped out and stood in a battalion formal formation, fists over their hearts, "YES BOSS!?"

"MIKASA IS COMING TONIGHT! WE MUST PULL ALL OUR EFFORTS TO FINALLY GET ME LAID!"

The masses cheered and got to work. Armin grabbed his school bag and walked through the rushing crowds of Connie, Bert, Reiner, Thomas, and other names of characters I keep forgetting. You kind of have an idea of what this frat is.

He called over his shoulder, "Eren, you have Trig at three, I did your homework, it's in your folder. Make sure you actually go to class and I'll call Mikasa."

Eren smiled like an idiot with ink on his face from all the dicks, "THANKS ARMIN! YOU'RE THE BEST!"

And so Armin was off to World History and then Marine Biology. He joined this Frat with Eren because he wanted to make guy friends and have fun and Eren's position as son of the dean and brother to the sultry Mikasa got them in without even going through initiation. How could he really pass it up, and besides Eren was game? He was with Eren through everything but as he walked to class he wondered what the point of it all was? He was going to parties and flirting but why wasn't it any fun? Then he saw Erwin, walking to class, reading a textbook. Armin smiled, because Erwin was not in the picture yet.

 **Chapter 2, boom. IDK, this sort of writes itself. Oh my god I can't wait to introduce Mikasa's back story. Just for the record this story is mostly about Erwin and Armin but really Levi and Eren are just as important and prominent. See ya next time!**


	3. Yo Mama's Pentameter

**Back again. Prepare for parties, heart break, and crack.  
**

Levi sat in his room, quill in hand,

"Tonight is the night

Where everything will be decided."

Some ravens landed on his windowsill and chirped out,

"Tonight is the night!"

Levi continued to speak,

"The war will start, the fires rise

But it's one sided.

That little boy will come to find

A suave young man lie by his side."

The ravens echoed again,

"Tonight is the night!"

Levi set his pen down; everything he said out loud was on the paper. Just some scrap for poetry night he was coming up with. But little did he know the author decided to turn this sequence into more of a musical number. I'm that gay. He stopped kicking his legs because the chair was too high for his feet to touch the ground and hopped off his pew. What a magnificent leap. He went to his closet to find a change of clothes for the SCL Party.

Meanwhile in a dorm a little father away Erwin was getting himself ready in the bathroom mirror, tweezing his eyebrows with the intense focus of a jungle cat in need of a meal,

"Tonight is the night

When I will see her.

Where fools are kings

Escorting queens

Who wear the cheapest weaves.

Still I will be rich someday.

And on that day she'll come to wear

A marvelous weave of genuine hair."

Cut to Armin walking back home from his Marine Bio class. He backpack is heavy, filled with papers and books. He sighs as he see's the sky darken, the party soon to start,

"Tonight is the night

When I will see him.

But he won't see me,

He will see her but with a trim.

Oceana and I we are the same, yes.

But to Erwin, my dear, I've come to fear

He'll only want me in a dress."

Eren was rolling around on his bedroom floor, surrounded by shirts he flung from the closet onto his floor. He skipped his trig class. Eren smiled, laughing aloud, and he rolled over under Armin's bunk, the bottom bunk of their shared bunk bed. Under a loose floorboard was a little box and in the box was a glass slipper he stole from some slut at prom, a comic book he drew in elementary school, gay porno magazines, electric coolaid, and a photo album. He pulled the photo album out and flipped through it, an album full of Levi's pictures.

"Tonight is the night

Where everything's decided.

It's been four years, and now I'm here,

Nervous but excited.

Will he like my hair, will he touch my butt?

Of course he'll like my hair and touch my butt."

Then everyone sang together as Levi finished getting read, Erwin jelled his brows, Armin got to the door of the frat, and Eren finished flipping through Levi's pictures.

"Tonight is the night

Leave everything open.

All our loose ends resolved

Our plans are in motion.

The party starts

The fun begins.

No time to waste

So let them in!"

Levi sang, putting his jacket on,

"Off to get laid!"

Erwin gave a megawatt smile and took a selfie,

"A man will be made!"

Armin clutched his hands close to his heart and looked up to the sky,

"I wonder if he'll love me as I am?"

Eren set his things back in their box under the floor and put on a real shirt,

"I want a whole grain sandwich with ham!"

They all sang at once for no reason, I'm sure you're confused,

"Tonight is the night!"

So it's nighttime now. Wow, such night, much party. Music is blasting, hot girls are dancing. It's the dream the Beach Boys had for their sons: Two Girls For Every Boy. Jean was feverishly looking through the party for the Goddess of the evening, Mikasa. Jean was… you're classic douche tool but tonight he was your classic _hipster_ douche tool. In other words his pseudo intellectual bullshit just might reach the object of his affections. But Jean isn't what's important right now.

Levi and Erwin stood a few feet away from the crowding boys begging to get into the party with the good brand name chips and beer and girls. VERSACE!

"So, tactical genius, how are we getting in," Levi asked.

Erwin surveyed the situation and looked for any opening, "This may be tricky. There are two guards at every door and the windows are blocked off by drunken grinding gyrating bodies. I believe we can use the mass hysteria of the guys who can't get in to form a pyramid out of-"

"Or we can use the back door?"

Levi pointed over to _behind_ the frat house. It was totally empty, not a soul in sight and the back door was wide open. There was also a bright glowing sign that said, "LEVI THIS WAY!" How did no one notice that but them? Erwin nodded and they went. The back door lead to the kitchen, which was very full of people. Still there was a plastic red cup with Levi's name literally on it. He picked it up and underneath was a small sheet of paper with that same doofy face from Levi's butt.

Now that I think about it I forgot to write the scene where he finds the face drawn on his butt. Meh, it probably went something like "what a stupid fucking face… I'd fuck it." And that's that. Back to the present.

"Well ass eater _Titania_ is here, he says to follow the trail of mango slices taped to the ceiling," Levi looked up at the dripping slices, "Wasteful brat, I'll clean it later."

"What about me," Erwin asked, a little disturbed he would have to face the warzone without a friendzone.

"Come on Erwin, just do the thing."

"The thing?"

"Yeah, everyone knows your eyebrow hairs individually tingle when you need to find something, internal GPS… like a goose," Levi said quite seriously.

"… Who told you that?"

"Mike?"

"Tell Mike to stop sniffing for gossip, my eyebrows are normal," Erwin griped.

Levi actually smirked before taking his leave, "Your eyebrows are _not_ normal."

Erwin watched as Levi walked away. So people were calling him a goose behind his back? It wasn't the worst thing to be called he supposed, at least no one suspected he was a raging homo. ESPECIALLY NOT AFTER TONIGHT WHEN HE FINDS THE GIRL HE WAS ACTUALLY INTO! He looked through the room but saw no one resembling the sweet angel he met at poetry night. Maybe he was wrong in thinking she would be here. Then he bumped into a small person, but not as small as Levi. He looked down and saw a soft head of blonde hair.

"Oceana?"

The shoulder length hair shifted as the person turned around. Erwin got a good look at this person's face, adorable. The same blue eyes, that same cute mouth… men's clothing? Erwin felt he was mistaken.

"I'm terribly sorry," Erwin smiled politely as he continued to look around the party.

The blonde boy stared at Erwin, "It's alright, I'm glad. Oh, I should let you know my name is Armin."

Erwin noticed the blush on Armin's face, why was he telling him his name, "Uh yeah, I'm Erwin… Oh! Armin, you must belong to this frat right? You're tougher than you look then to pass initiation. Anyway I'm looking for someone, could you help me?"

Armin smiled, "It's not often someone calls me tough. Sure I'll help you look. That person you were with the other night, right?"

Erwin grinned, so he and Oceana were a famous couple that was publically supported, "That's right!"

Armin sighed with relief, so he was looking for Levi. Well Levi is so short it only makes sense Erwin would lose him in this crowd. He and Armin were off, scouting together through the party… only Erwin thought they were looking for Oceana and Armin thought they were looking for Levi… Still they had a nice time talking as they searched for people who could never be found.

Speaking of never seeing the light of day again, Levi made his way up the stairs of the frat house. Much party, so crazy. He found his way to a white door with that same dumb ass face from his ass and scratch paper. This was the room. Time to get that booty call he's had stiffy for since he was slayed at poetry night.

He knocked on the door and was replied to with, "Come in~"

He opened the door to see a room with black walls, a black floor, and nothing but a bed with black sheets and rose petals on it… and a naked boy with a rose hanging out of his mouth and candles everywhere. Fucking fire hazard brat face. That opera song from Black Butler 2 was playing… fucking trash. Levi very simply closed the door and started making his way AWAY from the room. His dick had shriveled up and died at the sight.

"NO WAIT LEVI! COME BACK!" The boy called out.

Levi turned around, no soul behind the eyes, "What is it brat?"

The brat cowered in fear, "I- I- I was just kidding? The room is normal again… see?"

Levi robotically walked back and looked inside the room, what the hell? It looked like a normal room with a bunk bed… HOW THE FUCK DID THE BRAT CLEAN IT SO FAST!? Woah… this kid has skill… The fresh smell of windex brough Levi's boner back.

"Okay Kid, let's do it," he threw his shirt off and some girl, who happened to be me at the party, caught it and literally ate it and died happy that chubby kinky fuck.

Levi slammed the door closed and pinned Eren to the locked door and began doing the smoochy smooch.

"AH! YES! FINALLY! OH!" Eren gently shoved Levi off.

"What!? YOUR WINDOWS ARE STREAK FREE!? I NEED TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU, YOU CLEAN FUCK!"

"Yeah but don't you wanna know my name?"

"What, sure, oh my god you have Mr. Clean sponges. You better screw me hard and screw me right." 

"Holy shit, uh my name is Eren, I like the color green, my best dish is fried eggs, my best friend's name is Armin-"

"You're name fucker, not your life's story- holy shit a Dyson vacuum, please make me pregnant."

"WHAT THE FUCK," Eren made a Jackie Chan meme face, "I TOTALLY DIDN'T EXPECT YOU TO BE LIKE THIS!?"

"Expect me to be like what, it's not like you know me? Don't you know you're nothing more than a one night stand that might get two nights due to your exquisite taste in home cleaning?"

Eren was suddenly dressed and serious, there was a desk between them, "Ok 1, I'm the one who picks when it's a one night stand. Tonight, should we do it, you are mine and I am yours and it is committed you blunted bum rush. 2, I do know you, I've known you for four years."

"Excuse me?"

"A bum rush is someone who hits a party without paying, even girls pay bruh. Blunted means you're high as hella even thought it's only from the cleaning section sale at Walmart."

"No, what do you mean you've known me for four years? You stalking me brat?"

Eren smiled, "Ever since that day in Shiganshina."

Levi's eyes widened, "You don't mean… You can't be…"

The two remained silent at that desk, a single spotlight shone on them as the camera panned out before fading to black. That's what a cliffhanger looks like. I'll see you honkers next time. Thanks for reading.

…

…

…

MEANWHILE!

Jean lead Mikasa away from the party to his room, she looked absolutely bored out of her mind. Where's Eren? She was told Eren would be here? Even a wet blanket like Armin would be more interesting than this Weeaboo scum.

"Ok, right this way," Jean happily lead Mikasa through his room and onto the balcony where a telescope stood.

She looked at him suddenly, "How did you know?"

He smiled at her, "You were always looking at the sky… that and you're in the astrology club… and Eren told me."

Mikasa nodded, "And you really don't mind?"

"Why would it be a problem?"

Mikasa was sort of happy but still kind of bored, "Jean, can I be myself with you?"

"Of course."

It was then the moon shined brighter overhead and Mikasa's skin began to glow. What the fuck? He skin turned blue and transparent, she grew little black antenna out of her head, and a third golden eye opened on her forehead. She also had six fingers now instead of five and a longer nose.

"What the fuck," Jean deadpanned.

"I never thought my mission to find a human who could teach me the earthen ways of love and swag would appear but here you are. Oh Jean, this is just like Scooby Doo and the Alien Invaders. Come back with me to my planet and rule by my side as king. Teach Planet Mikasa the ways of love."

Jean nodded, "I will."

"You will what, Jean," Marco asked.

Jean opened his eyes and realized he was on the floor outside his bedroom; a dick was drawn on his face, "Marco? What happened?"

"You asked Mikasa to go with you to your room and she punched you in the face so hard you blacked out."

"Oh… and the telescope?"

"She never saw it, sir."

"Oh… How's the party going?"

"Connie has formed a successful harem," Marco reported.

"Oh… now I'm really sad. I guess I'll turn in for the night…"

"Jean?"

"Yeah Marco?"

"I love you."

"Love you too bro, you're always here for me, like a stone on the steps of my journey to being in love with Mikasa. Thanks for always being here for me to step on."

Jean slammed the door shut and Marco sighed, "Anytime, boss."

 **Yay! Another chapter dead and ready to be moved on from!**


	4. The Romantics

**Fun fact: Mikasa was actually supposed to be an alien like in Jean's dream sequence, but then I couldn't make her really… work that angle without hinting at Mikasa having feelings for Jean. I personally ship them but I just don't think it's the right pairing for this fic. Anyway, the Levi Eren chapter is here!**

Levi's eyes widened, "you don't mean… you can't be…"

"That's right Levi, I'm not just any extremely handsome Eren, I'm _the_ extremely handsome Eren Jeager."

How could Levi not have recognized him? Eren Jeager, _that_ Eren Jeager, the name that has long since been etched into his soul for the last four years. Four years… Four years… echo…

Eren Jeager was a kid; nevertheless he was the local prince of the town. His father, Grisha (famous surgeon/ medicine man/ roadie with Bob Marley), had settled down and erected a castle known as Jeager University. It quickly put Harvard and all those other armpit schools on their ass. This shit was so exclusive even Brittney Spears in her prime was waitlisted- no- the author was. Actually I was flat out rejected, I'm kind of a dumb ass but a big deal in my own mind? He married a woman called Carla (ex-stripper gone reality TV housewife), and had a son called Eren. Along the way as their fame and wealth grew they decided if they ever hoped to compete with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie they would have to adopt an Asian baby. Her name was Mikasa and she was bought off cheap from the sex trade.

Other than public stunts not much was known about the Jeager household. No one particularly cared. I mean, sometimes people were curious. Rumors would start over just about anything. Grisha was actually a mad scientist experimenting on his son, Mikasa was actually an alien void of human emotion, Carla was actually the Pink Panther in disguise. While the school was famous and elite the town was not. It was a small town, kind of boring. There was a mall, a best buy, a Walmart- wait this town has everything what am I talking about!? This town did have one particular problem… the pests. You see most places have rats or mosquitos. We have… DRAGONS. Just kidding, thumbs up if you go that. Actually this town has a die-hard Beauty and the Beast fandom as well as a gang problem. We'll focus on the gang problem.

"Hey brat, where's your private car?" said some annoying screaming goat of a thug.

The little Prince simply kept walking on his merry way. Today was the day he would do something for himself. He was young, around fourteen. His whole life everything was given to him and done for him. He grew up wanting for nothing and soon he'll be an adult with no clue on what he'll actually want. Today he decided he would walk home from school, like any normal kid. He managed to ditch Mikasa and Armin, he was so close to his house- but these ass holes showed up.

"We'll cut to the chase Jeager," the annoying cauliflower one said, "we want your cliché money."

"Hey should we do the fanfic trope and threaten to 'have fun with him' cuz he's got such a cute face?" Asked goat.

Cauliflower was genuinely hurt, "Jeremy, you really think he's cute? I thought you only had eyes for me."

"N-No, Eugene, I really do love only you! I-I'll do that thing you like with my thumb after this!"

"Oh Jeremy~"

"Can I leave now," Eren asked.

With only one celebrity in the town of course Levi would have heard of the Jeager family, especially their son. Even so Levi had never actually seen the boy or anyone from their household. He lived in the hood and no one really cared about them there. Still Levi found himself in town one day, on his was to another job interview. If he failed one more interview he could apply for welfare and never get a job ever and jerk off every day.

Back to the topic of Eren Jeager. He had heard about Eren. He was rich, he was handsome… but Levi couldn't give less of a shit about that. Were those literally the two most fuckable qualities a person could have, yeah, but in what universe would young thug life and the little prince ever cross paths- oh look a kid being bullied. Levi stared at the boy getting his ass kicked. Should he step in? If he was a good citizen sure, but… that kid takes a beating well. Levi found himself slightly aroused at the bruises forming on the kid's face- cute face. If he was gonna see a face like that again and get a complimentary thank you dick sucking, he would have to step in.

"Hey," Levi said literally stepping in.

The two boys who only exist to drive the plot met Levi's gaze. He was so hot but so dangerous- which makes him even hotter! A known fact about Levi is his eyelashes can shop a head off if he blinks hard enough. Now, Levi was actually famous to anyone who wasn't rich and sheltered as the Murderous Midget. Those words made him easily identifiable. The two bullies ran away screaming for the Amanda Show to come back on Nickelodeon and were never heard from again. Levi watched them run and he looked to the kid he helped, still shaking and spitting out a molar. Ew, his mouth his probably full of blood- keep it off his dick.

"Kid."

The kid looked up with wide eyes, eyes that brought Levi back to his childhood. He could hear the distant echo of kids laughing and singing, "Levi and Isabel sitting in a tree." "No, stop, leave me alone." "K-I-S-S- oh hey I think Levi is actually gay guys?" "No, I'm sexually ambiguous!" "Levi and Farlan sitting in a tree." Levi went on to beat the shit out of those kids and any bully he saw. Whenever he saved a kid they would run away crying. Maybe violence isn't the answer but being alone never really bothered Levi. The kid spoke after wiping his tears, bringing Levi back to reality.

"Thank you for saving me."

"Don't cry, you're a man aren't you?"

The kid stood up and cheered, "right!"

"Well… bye," Levi tried walking away but the kid followed, "What?"

"Thank you again mister," the kid reminded him of a baby duck.

Levi looked down on the kid even though they were the same height and glared. This kid did not run, scream, cry, or anything. He just kept smiling.

"Say kid, you afraid of me?"

"Should I be," he chirped before rustling through his bag, "Hey since we're friends now I'll give you something. What's your name?"

"Levi," he groaned.

The kid pulled out a green colored pencil, "This is my favorite colored pencil but I want you to have it."

Levi took the pencil like WTF I'd rather have money or edible body chocolate, "Hey what's you're name?"

"Eren," called a third voice, the two youngin's turned to look who it was.

"Hey dad," Eren called out to the man in the slick ass car.

"Wait… isn't he- Hey kid are you Eren Jeager?"

Eren ignored Levi and ran to his dad with sparkles in his eyes and told his dad everything. The man, Grisha, looked to Levi and sized him up. He told Eren to get in the car and Eren did as told. Grisha got out of the car and walked to Levi and handed him a card with a number on it. As thanks for helping his idiot son who still can't read beyond a 3rd grade level he would owe Levi one rule free favor. And then the Jeager's were gone, not a trace left behind… well… almost.

Levi looked at the pencil and card in his hand. A favor from the Jeager house was not easy to come by and yet this pencil felt all the more precious. For a long time Levi couldn't help but think about that kid and he wondered if he might see him again? He supposed not. His dad seemed cool but in the long run would he approve of his only son being with a thug? Probably not. He decided to give up the fleeting dream of Eren Jeager and he threw himself into his gang work. Still he couldn't throw the pencil away and maybe if he ever got arrested he could call the Jeager's to bail him. So he kept the pencil and card hidden away in a small box in the back of his closet.

One day, many months later, he was threatened to be kicked out of the gang for being too badass and sexy. Levi was upset; he needed the gang to give him someone to go bowling with on Wednesdays. Now what? He went home to unwind with some jerking off and poetry writing- his two favorite pastimes. He decided he would have to leave the gang but to do what? Levi thought to himself and then he walked over to his closet and pulled out the old Jeager box. He saw the green pencil and gave it a sniff. Oddly enough he had already begun to forget what the boy looked like. He could have googled him but the kid's face wasn't that important. He pulled out the card and walked to the pay phone by his house.

"Grisha Jeager speaking."

"It's Levi, I helped your son once."

"What can I do for you Levi?"

"Can you make me a space man?"

And that's how Levi got into the top University in the world for no reason. He is literally so under qualified and he doesn't even have to pay for it- all because he helped some brat in the streets. After he entered University, times with the gang were hard. He was no longer one of them in their eyes. Then he met Erwin, they bro fought, got drinks, smashed a car, and now you're basically up to speed.

"You're that Eren Jeager. Wow, puberty his you with a Fifty Meter Wall."

Eren had been looking at Levi the whole time Levi relived his life in his head, "You know… now that I get a good look at you.. you're kind of old looking- like Jonah Hill in 22 Jump Street!"

"Hold it brat."

"Hey Levi, do you still have my pencil?"

"No," he lied; it's under his pillow- he grew weirdly attached to it.

"What!? Are you even human!?"

Levi's tongue flecked out like a lizard's and licked his own eye, "What do you mean?"

Eren sighed, "Yeah, I did pick you to fall in love with. I'll grow to like it so let's bangy!"

"No way."

"Huh?"

"Now that I know you're Eren Jeager I won't have sex with you," Levi grumbled, he was already obsessed with a pencil; he didn't need to be obsessed with a human.

"But I got Jean's Mango's and everything!?"

"What does that mean?"

"I've been working hard to meet you for four years, I learned how to read and everything when I learned you would attend university here."

"You're Grisha's son, you'd have gotten in anyway?"

Eren thinks about it, "Wow, Levi you're smart. I never thought about that." 

Levi's brow twitches, the kid was being serious, "I'm leaving."

"No! Wait! Senpai! Please! Love Me!"

"No," and Levi was gone.

 **I feel like this was all over the place but whatever. We get to some Erwin and Armin bits next time and then yeah, we'll see where it**


End file.
